Renunciation, 26 August, 2009

9/21/09
Om Namah Sivaya, Beloved friends,
My client didn't come so I got time to type.
Well,
Time has elapsed, and my sprained foot is fine. It happened from an entity attack, (1st ever) when I was back in Canada, preparing for weekend garage sales.

The auspicious day of my Renunciation 26 Aug. has come and gone . It's now the 3 Goddess festival Navaratri that lasts for 9 days. Amma's birthday is the 26th also.

I've had stress/leelas over my Renunciation fee.
I'm glad it's over and I'm happy, although the energy is mounting, the "rock tumbler" is turning.....
So....I made a commitment to give my life to serving Amma and the ashram on Thursday August 26th. Astrologically a very auspicious day in this regard for me. Lots of prep work.Although I've lived mostly as a renunciate for the last year.
 I had 2 crystal bead with silver caps malas made, 108 beads, Long! I cleared and put my Marcel Vogel crystal on the "Guru" bead for mine.
I re-washed my white on white embroidered Sari I bought for Devi Bhava in San Ramon. The week before I wrote a cheque in US funds for part of my fee, and went to the bank to take out the rest for a cash advance as my term deposit doesn't come due until next month. I called the credit card co. and got approval to take the money out in India.
Rushed to the bank @ 10:00 before my 10:30 am client, asked for the 9,000 usd money and after a lot of paperwork and calls they handed me a wad of rupees and I left.

I put it on my alter on a silver tray, a"hand made paper"card with the Rupees,  with the malas, and ordered a sacred Tulasi leaf garland to place on Amma for my darshan that night. I got a darshan token , number 108! and did my sevas for the day. My friend Veena came to my 2nd seva at the ecology centre and got our usual wheat grass juice and left. Then she came running back in about 20 minutes saying "Kalavati, you have to leave now. The Indian darshan is on'W" and the western darshan is about to start. You have to go get ready'!
So..I ran out, apologizing to Sahaja for leaving her with the work, and went to my flat and showered, put on my sari, which I haven't worn for a year, grabbed the small silver tray for the card/money, the malas, the Garland wrapped in a damp cloth, and slightly disheveled,with wet hair, went down the the hall. I went to the little Indian woman that made the garland and asked her to straighten me. She said I looked pretty, but I meant my sari...the pleats weren't creased, and I felt it wasn't worthy of Amma. So she creased the pleats and tucked the bodice across my chest in pleats as well and threw the "tail" over my arm. Ah! better. So I went to sit in queue for darshan. Well, if my Victoria satsang friend Joanne,wasn't right there beside me! then Jane a friend from England sat on the other side. Jane probably picked the tulasi for the garland as that's her  seva over at the T. garden by the Aruyvedic hospital in Vallikavu. She went and got me water and they both grounded me. Joanne read me a poem that had me in tears, they were great as we kept playing scoot up 3 seats till we were in the temple hall with Amma.
My time came at last for my darshan, an embrace by Amma. I placed the mala and tulasi garland on Amma, she pulled me to her, It was forever. She turned to do something and I pulled away and She pulled me back twice more. She put the other mala on me, gave me a banana and vibuthi (Ash)and candy prasad. A client, Elizabeth, had been in queue to hand prasad to Amma. She prayed to be the one to hand prasad when I was there, so there she was at Amma's side watching it all. She said it lasted a long time. When you're in Her arms it seems like moments/yet eternity.
I went in a daze to get a herbal chai and absorb the Shakti. Several friends and Eliz. the prasad giver were there to share the excitement and special event. Someone bought me a cookie, and chai, I shared a couple bites of my tiny indian banana prasad. They all talked about the experience. Wow! Huge commitment.....Like a wedding, then the work begins. Watch what you ask for. The paperwork is a signed commitment to serve Amma and the ashram, the fee, and a list of what the ashram does for the care of the renunciate, and the renunciates responsibilities, and an interview and group meeting,  sharing the expectations of one.
I got a call from Amma's room that night saying all the money wasn't there. I thought it must be. They said that many rupees would hardly fit in the envelope.
Very long story short, the bank only gave me  $200 in rupees rather than  9ooo!
I went back to the bank the next am quickly before the client, and asked why they didn't give me what I asked for . they said they thought I had a limit. I had told them I had approval. Anyway, they gave me the rest and went back after my client to present the balance . Only to find out it still wasn't right. The original amt wasn't what I thought it was!  So back I go ...3rd time of filling forms , copies of passport, id etc! Finally done.

Amma is working me energetically now....
I got a special opportunity to sit beside Amma (3-4 ft away)on this past Tuesday (My day of silence) during meditation and satsang and handing out prasad lunch. In the "special Chair" .
So...I sit, after meditating somewhere else because a woman was leaning on the chair during her meditation and I didn't want to disturb her. When it's free I go and sit prior to Amma arriving. I planned to place my asana on the floor to my left to save it for Medha, the astrologer/photographer. Someone had placed theirs already there, but it was also Medha's turn to sit there close to Amma, so I moved the other asana and placed mine there.
Then a woman who is, I guess, an organizer of the darshan part,  tells me the chair I'm sitting on is too high and it's rude to sit higher than the guru. I wanted to tell her that last week a "yellow " western brahmancharini sat there and I bet she didn't tell here that. With my "In Silence" badge on my chest, I just raised my hands in a "what to do" gesture. She asked me if I had a lower stool in my flat. I shook my head. I had put my bag under the chair with my water bottle , prayer book , spoon etc in it, and she proceeded to tell me I couldn't put my purse there as the space would be used to stack plates. I put the bag on my lap. Then Bhagya Sri, who set up this opportunity for me, came and brought a stool, and told me my job was to pass plates with cups of payasm to the 2 lines of food servers beside me from my right to my left. I wasn't informed of this prior,or warned to bring a plastic cover to protect my special sari.

Medha comes and I take my asana and fold it in 3 and place it on the hard stool, under my bony bum for padding. Medha is large. she wanted to sit on my asana, I thought she'd bring her own, I thought I was just saving her place. So, dejected, she sat on the floor. Asanas are full of our own meditation energy and usually quite personal.
Amma arrived. We all meditated. I went into a deep meditation, it was awesome. no thoughts, no reviewing. I observed and did mantra japa for awhile and went into another deep meditation. Wow! Later Amma twice looked deeply into me like surgery. Hummmm.

Next, after Amma's meditation and Q & A session, 3 food serving lines were set up by the indian bramincharinis, and Molten hot Payasm (sweet rice pudding)was scooped into cups and passed over heads to me to quickly pass to 2 food lines. I hand plates full and retrieve empty payasm spilled plates, and hand them back to get refilled. I carefully hand each one separately to keep the bottoms clean and take a filled one. The woman I was handing to doubled them up and now some plate bottoms had sticky hot payasm.   We are serving maybe 4000 people. One cup was tipped by someone moving quickly and it spilled on Medha's leg, Next to me. She cried out in pain. I handed her my water bottle to cool it, but she was quicker than me and had her own. Another woman was impatient with the handing and placed a plate full of tin cups of hot payasm on my lap. Now my sari was covered in sticky lt brown pudding.
We finally got everyones plates passed to Amma to bless and pass to each guest. We got ours earlier and had to pass for blessing, the woman in front of me wouldn't take mine and pass it to Amma for Her blessing. She just shook her head.Me in silence, next to Amma Was the only one with out prasad lunch. I was choked!
After lunch was all over, I quickly washed the food & Payasm from my hands and sari with my water bottle and my hankie.  The woman next to me said I could not roll prasad unless I wash my hands. There was no time to go out of the temple with hundreds of people pressing out and in through the doors and come back, with Amma starting to give darshan. I asked by gestures, a woman I had seen at the ecology dept. shop, if she would take my dirty plate. She came back with "I was told yesterday that you create huge karma if you ask for favours when you can do it yourself, you'll have to take another life" but she took it.  I, in silence, sat stunned tears welling. I've washed many plates voluntarily for folks...
 I'd had it. I got up to leave. The 2 women organizers tried to stop me. I broke my silence and spoke  "Everything I do is wrong" I'm going. The "chair woman" quickly apologized, and she and Bhagya Sri told me to please stay. I was sobbing by this time, but wiping my face with my sari, I sat and proceeded to roll prasad (paper of sacred ash, wrapped around a hard candy )in 3s, and hand them to a woman in front of me handing them to Amma to give as each gets their hug. I ran out of papers of ash, gestured for more and was told to use the pre rolled ones, so I just took off elastics and handed them out.
When Amma quickly finished darshan for new visitors only, She went to Her room, and I went, late to Ecology centre for cashiering. The woman who took my plate reluctantly, was there. I wrote her a note apologizing, and said I'd wash her plates next time, I was sorry.
My friend Upasana, there had seen some of  what had happened, As I was front and centre in the temple with Amma, and discussed it the next day.
I was ready to talk to each woman of issue and share my experiences of the event. Upasana explained that this is all Amma, and it's my stuff to go through. The women were just pawns. I totally got it. It's just Amma working me. Vasanas coming up for completion. I asked for fast tracking by renunciation, and I get it. It's all how I respond to situations. We are really all one. Amma really gave me bliss and shoved my face in it at the same time! I was so emotionally exhausted , I went to sleep at 7pm and was still tired at 4am when I got up for archana, (Prayers).

Life continues daily with opportunities to grow and serve.  Reconnective Healing is getting powerful. Perhaps when Amma leaves I will have more time. I'm not sure. I really need to learn to type. I spend a few weeks learning each year! Then forget again.
Many festivals  now, this is Navaratri, celebrating the 3 Goddesses.The last goddess of this festival is Saraswathi, Goddess of knowledge and music. We wrap up the things/books/ instruments we want to learn and place in the Kalari next week. I'll wrap my typing course title page, Malayalam language course book, and speed /photo reading books. Goddess I really do need help....
But it really is all good. I wouldn't have it any other way.
I bought my airfare to go to S.F. to get a 5 yr. entry visa.12-23 Nov.  As a renunciate the ashram will give me a letter saying they will be responsible for me and support me. I couldn't renew it when I was in Canada in July ! They refused.....I had 4-5 months left!  It's an expensive trip for a visa. Then, another flight in 1.5 years to fulfill my pension requirement of living 1 yr in canada before getting pension. Toronto ashram was offered by Radikha, remote, 40 km from the city, 40 acres, with 3 bldgs.  Prasanam looked doubtful when I told him. said I should check it out before I go. Hummmmm.
Just had a "nice" coconut . water with pudding like flesh, coming back from the Eco shop. Showered and finished this.
According to the women at the shop several folks have been turned down in S.F. trying to get visa's when they aren't residents of US or Calif. And some horror stories of huge delays in giving the passport back .
I think now I'll fly to Vancouver after the w/e in SF area, be assured of getting a renewable "entry" visa from my home country. There are no direct flights with Emerites Air anyway to Van. Wow Visa's get very costly . I actually only need 18 months.....

New Photo links of Amritapuri
http://www.amritapuri.org/3802/july-august/
More  links on the page.....

Much love and blessings,
 Thank you Gloria, and all friends for the help with sales and releasing my possessions, thanks for the letters, even if I don't write back, Liz for the letter and for housing Sophie, Judee and Rob for caring for my Smartie, etc....and Aaron for dealing with the leftovers and care of Crosby!


Great big Amma Blessings of Divine Love and light,
Kalavati